My Goal

I have set a new goal for myself and I am blogging about it because the more people you tell about a goal you have, the more likely you'll actually stick to it.

Background info: Lately I have been looking at my life now and my life five years ago and the biggest difference I see is that I am not as happy as I used to be. I used to goof around with my friends and just let myself be happy and care-free and I miss that. I think a lot of my friends have noticed a change too but they haven't said anything (come on people, speak up!), I have been telling myself it's because I've grown up and matured, but that's not it. I think we all know about a certain speedbump in my life that I will refer to as "Jerkface." I was devastated and didn't quite know how to pull myself back together. I felt like I didn't know who I was anymore because I let myself be someone I wasn't because of "Jerkface." I also had a big change in who I associated with because all of my closest friends had gotten married and moved away (mostly to Arizona and Layton). Subconsciously I decided to not let myself be worked up or sad over anything else so I wouldn't have to deal with those emotions again. In doing so I lost letting myself be happy as well. It's been awhile but I am finally putting everything together and making a decision.

My Goal: I was talking to my hometeachers tonight and realized what I've been doing. I was reminded of a conversation I had with a good friend of mine late one summer night in a stairwell when he was having problems. I remember that I was mad at him for thinking certain things and told him that we all need to have the lowest lows so we could recognize and feel the highest highs. My goal from here on out is that I will let myself start feeling again. I want to be able to have fun and be silly and laugh again. I don't want to have to worry about what may or may not happen. I want to be myself again and I will be myself again.

Your part: If you see me checking out on life, give me a good kick (it doesn't have to be a literal kick)! Please point it out to me, I can't let myself do this anymore. My friends don't recognize me and don't know how to act around me. I don't know how to act around them. People use to comment on my smile, I haven't heard that in awhile and it makes me sad. I can act pretty well so that those that don't know me as well think things are okay, but I know you can tell the difference.